22 August 2010

Kumble, Harsha, Corporate India and Cricket India.

This bumbling idiot Harsha Bhogle has been at it for some time now - throwing out tentative ideas and hoping some hooks will find biters.  Given the number of idiots in India, it is not surprising this fool even has a fan base!  But enough is enough, because....

He now suggests (the best of) corporate India should help India's cricketers.  Since when did corporate India get this claim on excellence?  The Indian cricket team is the #1 ranked cricket team in the world in Tests and is nearly there in ODIs.  Where is corporate India?  Isn't this a bit like a pujari advising Gautama Buddha?  And Kumble apparently wants to help young cricketers!  What the heck for?


http://www.cricinfo.com/magazine/content/story/473310.html

Corporate India is about hiding incompetence behind a facade of professionalism.  It is about rank incompetence in numbers pretending like it can do a job.  Show me ONE achievement of corporate India that is unique, pathbreaking, an example for the world to follow, and has changed the lives of many people positively.  I can tell you without flinching that Kapil Dev single handedly inspired millions, changed our outlook towards life, and gave us something no corporate motherfucking world conquering gameplaying suitwearing cocksucking high flying asshole has ever given - hope in ourselves.  Kapil did that, without ever resorting to anything boring.

Without the cursing, here is why Harsha should not have this job of writing trash and getting paid.  Here is the clearest difference between what corporate ethos is about and the ethos of a sportsperson.  Corporations are all about the collective.  Sports is about the individual, yes, even in team games.  You can hide a lousy employee, but you cannot hide a lousy sportsperson.  Mediocrity can pass in an office, on the field it will be mercilessly exposed.  You can hang on to a company for life just by not becoming offensive.  Most sports teams get rid of players very quickly without performances.  The yardstick for a sportsperson is being the best in the world.  The yardstick for a company is its bottomline - it doesn't have to be better than anyone in order to survive.  (Come on!  No matter what you argue against this, does it really take a Tata to make salt?).  There is no glare on one failure in the corporate world.  In fact, there is no glare on many collective failures either.  On the sportsperson, the glare is intense, and merciless.  It is not surprising how Harsha and his wife have talked about how corporations can learn from sports.  That's the way it should be.  Now, for some monkey's finger in the ass reason, Harsha thinks our corporations can teach cricket.  No, Harsha.  Corporations can own cricket but they cannot really do much about producing better cricketers, even at the human level.

First of all, why do we want our cricketers to be good human beings?  Is that something we care about if he can crunch a batsman's toe, or whack the ball out of the stadium?  The most primal thing about sport is that it is essentially physical.  Do we have a problem with this?  Then we should not watch sports or take any interest in it.  But we do, and not only do we do, there are fools like Harsha who think sportsmen should lead their lives a certain "ideal" way.  Nice guys are not who we want in sports.  We want winners.  Once in a while, there will be an MS Dhoni, a pretty nice guy who stays cool, talks well, and is above board as far as ethics go.  But we won't love him for any of that if he can't whack the crap out of a cricket ball and lead his Team India to giddy achievements.

Why is it that we cannot celebrate pure brilliance and always have to reduce the mercurial to the accessible mediocrity of a "regular" person.  The "regular" or "good" people are not interesting.  Celebrities are supposed to be interesting people.  Let them have their characteristics.  What is so hard to understand about this?

For one, we should dread Anil Kumble having anything to do with Indian cricket or young cricketers.  It is all good that he was a hard working cricketer, a fierce competitor, took his moustache off, and is now leading the RCB in the IPL.  Ah!  The last part should really rattle us.  And this is where I beg to differ from Harsha's enthusiastic endorsement of Kumble wanting to work with India's youngsters in grooming them and helping them prepare for life as youngsters.  Preparing for life as humdrum, grimacing also rans?  No thanks!  What worked for Kumble will not work for others who don't come from where he does.

Moreover, and more importantly, Kumble is not Kapil Dev.  He does not inspire.  His statistics are awesome, but the very fact that he is a disciplined, focused and beady eyed competitor also means that he is like many school teachers with several degrees and the intent to make you look up to them.  Truth is, this is EXACTLY the kind of monster most of our young cricketers will be glad to not be under.  That is why they are playing cricket, not pursuing studies!

In the last edition of the IPL, Kumble was playing with rich kids.  Kids who could become millionaires with one big innings, one inspired spell of bowling lasting no more than 4 overs, and kids who could become heroes or zeroes before the game ended, only to come back to life and the limelight shortly after in the very next game.  Kumble was the old school leader.  But was he graceful?  Only if you left the letters d, i, and s out at the start.  He removed the one thing that RCB had in shortage to start with - enthusiasm.  Under Kumble, the team did better than it did under Pietersen, but that is not saying much.

Kumble was angry, yelling around, not able to handle pressure, rude to the youngsters on the field, and finally, when the tense moments came, came up short.  On one occasion, it was the last over, and Kumble was batting with the tail, with a few tight runs to get.  He took a single and went to the non strikers end.  Then, he saw the kid at the other end play and miss a couple, went over to advice him, and guess what?  He was bowled the very next ball!  Seriously, what is there to tell a tailender when 4 is needed off 1 ball?  This isn't bad captaincy, or strategy - it is the symptom of a control freak, who has set ways of doing things, and thinks he can will it out of his wards.  The schoolmaster at his worst!

This is not the moron we want grooming our youngsters to handle their professional, personal or business affairs.  Most certainly not their "lives".  What is that going to be - a paid father job?  A job that will take all the fun out of being out in the open, bowling, batting or fielding?  That is all cricket is, isn't it?  Isn't it the team that does these three things that wins?  So, what exactly does Kumble have to do, since he can't teach others to bowl like him, doesn't know how to bat, and is a lousy fielder?

Harsha thinks our youngsters need to be taught how to handle success!  Sure, but not by sore losers.  Kumble not once happily acknowledged how good another team was when his team was beaten.  Being sore and serious, and looking constantly agitated, constipated, disgruntled and aggravated is hardly the way to handle life and this is hardly the moron who should be helping our youngsters become anything like this.

So what if our youngsters don't take life so seriously?  They are much more fun than this schoolmaster prick!  Fun is what cricket is.  It is just a game, for fuck's sake!  Who are these idiots who are busy suggesting that fun be taken out of life?  We need all the entertainment we get out of something like the IPL, and that is why we pay, and that is why it is rich.  I don't grudge any of our kids striking it rich in one season and vanishing the next.  His purpose, his dharma, was to burn bright for that one season?  So be it!  I don't want to see everyone becoming the dull lamp that glows for a hundred years!

Chennai doesn't have any of this scholastic disciplinarian, or corporate management shit.  But they are a happy team that rose from 7th place and won the IPL.  They are the MOST consistent team in the IPL.  Dhoni keeps it simple and kids respond.  End of story.  The results are there to show.  Dhoni is the man and the men in yellow are the happiest team.  They even won the Fairplay Award, so they're not stressing out either.  Harsha and Kumble, learn from MSD and keep your fucking traps shut.

BSK

15 August 2010

Happy Independence Day!

Today for some reason, Mr. Manmohan Singh, our Prime Minister, sent a “firm” message to Kashmiri youth to give up violence and come to talk.  Fat chance, since the security forces there are not talking, they're shooting, and people are dying. 

In any case, why this message on this day, which is supposed to celebrate our Independence from foreign rule?  What independence?  Independence from poverty, illiteracy, dogma, religious perversion, dirty party politics, corruption, human trafficking, disease, a highly inequitable difference between rich and poor, are all yet to come!  Ostensibly, we had much less of any of this under British rule, so exactly what have we bought ourselves into?

For some reason, we have offered $5million in assistance to flood ravaged Pakistan, that despicable terrorist breeding, oppressive piece of crap of a neighbour we have.  Why in heavens name do we have to make this stupid offer, knowing fully well that most of the money the US gave them for fighting terror have been used to fund terrorist activities against India, and to strengthen military deterrence against us?  What kind of dickheads and numbskulls infest the corridors of government power in New Delhi?  Are we lunatics?  I'd say, let Pakistani leaders who pilfered all the “aid” the USA gave them, in hundreds of millions of dollars to fight terror, now find the $5million to help their own people.  Why do we have such a hard time being realistic about our enemies, while not hesitating to celebrate Chanakya? 

And now, Pakistan is supposedly “toying” with the idea of accepting our aid only if routed through the UN.  So, it takes one more bank account on the way to these egoistic weasels?  Well how about our diplomats telling them to get UN approval for their next terrorist strike against us as well?  Let's see if we can put that diplomatically - “Our position is that since Pakistan has sought third party involvement in the capacity of an escrow before accepting the friendly offer of monetary aid to flood victims, we would suggest the same third party be utilized for managing Pakistan's next terrorist adventurism against the Indian State.  Hitherto, our offer of aid stands cancelled”.  In other words, “Fuck You Beggars”.  Wouldn't we feel great as Indians just to show some honesty in situations like this?

Now, that begs the question – How come no head of state of ANY country ever gets washed away in flash floods, struck by lightning, crushed in an earthquake, or dies in any natural disaster?  It really can't be nature's design to spare presidents and prime ministers.  This means, perhaps that it IS possible to take care of ourselves in case of such disasters, but for some reason, we make sure the knowledge or the resources that are in place, keep only the wealthy and the powerful safe!  Seriously, would it not be hilarious to read - “US Senator and family killed in landslide that claims 250 lives”?  Chances are, any career politician probably never lives close in any sense, to that many people!  So, we have our Independence Day and another fucked up year draws to a close.  So what's new?

Almost as if by divine design, we have a fiasco over the Commonwealth Games!!  The Commonwealth!!! HAHAHAAAA!!!  What a cunning term for legal thievery!  Notice how the poorer countries in this club never get any benefits but her majesty the queen of england could steal from all over the world?  Why the heck were we even angry that she could not attend these games in New Delhi?  We're spending thousands of crores on this nonsense and I don't give a fuck about using capitals for these bitches either.  Who cares about the hag?  Now, that hag is angry that the british royalty is being dragged into matters of corruption because of some silly car rental company being investigated for fraud and the royal bums hired this company for carrying some baton for some insane sum of money!  Isn't this the bitch that is sitting on the Kohinoor diamond?  Well, how about making her a deal - “You return the Kohinoor, we'll call off this investigation of corruption in the CW games, how about that?”

The other white bitch in Washington, who once flippantly said Mahatma Gandhi worked at a gas station in St. Louis, now says “India and Pakistan have altered the world's nuclear balance!”.  Shit, how much balance could have been there during the cold war between two countries that have 10,000+ nuclear warheads in their arsenal, that the few tens that India and Pakistan could have today can disturb?  We need to protect 16% of the world's population, and if this shrill whore were to be reminded by our diplomats that if she has 5000 warheads to protect 4% of the world's population, we are entitled to 20,000 warheads, she would shut the fuck up.  Her name is Hilary Clinton, and it is time we stopped imagining she is some friend of India's.  She is  friend of whoever makes her look intelligent, and that sure is never going to be me.

Another rowdy US politician said something today that should have got a tongue lashing from our diplomats. http://www.thelinkpaper.ca/?p=2114 . He called Infosys a “chop shop”, which means, a shop that sells stolen goods, usually referred to a shop that breaks down stolen cars and sells the parts.  No matter what Infosys sells, his ass doesn't have to buy in his “free” market, does he?  So, why is he even talking about chop shops in the first place?  Pretty amazing comment though, about a company that has offices and provides 12,000 jobs in the USA alone!  So, are we proud enough to tell this ignorant prick Charles Schumer that we are happy to move our chop shop to Canada?  I bet not.  Because we have a crap load of our cyber coolies in bonded labour for white bosses.  How can we ever let go of that?

Now, none of the above will anger the average Indian very much.  Because we are too delicate for any confrontation.  We love to be slaves as long as slaves have the “Freedom” to buy into corporate peddled shit, as long as we are told that we are “free people in a free country”.  We don't mind our poor people being sold as sex slaves, we don't mind our farmers committing suicide, and we don't give a shit about anything that goes on in this country or elsewhere in the name of this farce called Independence and Freedom.

Listen up, Indians.  We are not free until the day you can pick up the phone and call in an injustice and somebody's head rolls by the end of the day.  We're not free until the day when we can tell idiots in other countries to shut up and mind their own fucking business when it really is our business.  We aren't free until the day our laws are sacred, our work is excellent, and we are all healthy and happy.  We're not free until we are rid of every kind of oppression.  We aren't free until the day we can do something that, even without a flag painted on it, looks distinctly Indian, and is distinctly beautiful.

We aren't independent from anything, until we are independent from our own apathy.  We are a great country, but after 63 years of trying, we still don't have a great nation.  It's time to question this bullshit situation.  Enough already.  Happy Independence Day!  Jai Hind.

BSK.

13 August 2010

The usual, rampant, shameless, immature, shrill, robotic bullshit.

SPOILER ALERT:

If you read this (p)review, you are likely to avoid watching "Endhiran".

http://www.thehindu.com/arts/cinema/article566585.ece

For some reason, it is absolutely necessary to bullshit people about an upcoming movie, making it out to be a great freaking, original, stupendous, magnificent, groundbreaking marvel, instead of just telling people the gist of the plot and letting them be blown away by the experience of watching it.

Indian film makers have not yet learnt how to truly make stupendous cinema, no matter how much they have copied from Hollywood, but they sure know how to up the ante on the promotional bullshit that they puke all over us.

Endhiran is no exception, and this nonsense, coming from The Hindu, no less, needs to be torn apart part by part, and shredded for what it is - endless bullshit.

Here is my take on some of this crap.

1.  Shankar, the director, is being lauded for being punctual, and he in turn praises Rajinikanth for being punctual!  Hello?  Aren't all professionals supposed to do this?  Even the guy who irons my clothes is very punctual.  Does being on time lead to a good film?  Of course not.  But it is worth putting on this "sincerety" shit for some reason.  "Oh, we are all very punctual people, so please see this movie"?  A lot of fools who make crappy movies are also punctual.  So?  Seriously, I don't mind if the director comes drunk if he can make an Avatar, to be honest.  In fact, if I know he can make Avatar ONLY if he gets drunk, I'd get him any liquor he wants, and he can come at any time he wants.

2.  Endhiran is the country's first sci-fi attempt!  ??  This author Malathi Rangarajan, has to be either really lazy, or stupid to imagine we wouldn't check the facts.  As recently as 2008, Harry Baweja made a film called "Love Story 2050".  In any case, what is so great about being the first to do something in a country, in the world of art?  Haven't we already trumpeted how "global" we are!?  So, how come we want to go very "local" in this sneaky way while "global" has produced thousands of sci-fi matter?  By the way, aren't there plenty of sci-fi elements in the Ramayana and the Mahabharata?  Remember arrows welding each other on TV?  That was a long time ago, too!  Some more bullshit.

3.  Oh, please.  Sivaji was not a stupendous success.  As a ratio of what it cost to make and release the film, the producer would be lucky to have made a marginal profit.  The scale of the project was so enormous, it should have collected ten times more.  If the producer hasn't made a single film since their last "stupendous" success for a couple of years, what are the chances of this happening because they are still counting the money?  More bullshit.

4.  Shankar has handled diverse themes?  Look a little closer and for some reason, "Gentleman", "Indian", and "Anniyan" all seem to have the same theme - The Individual against the Collective.  And what exactly does "completely" original mean?  Here's a holler and a hoot.  Shankar says "I can't repeat myself.  I need challenges" !!!!  Here's a challenge for you, Sir - please tell us a good story, and spare us the bullshit.  That would definitely mean you are not repeating yourself!

5.  "Aishwarya Rai is dedicated and hardworking as a hero".  Should we automatically expect her to be a lazy bimbo?  "It is superfluous to talk about her screen presence"??   So, would it be profound to talk about her rather limited acting skills?  Why can't we have enough integrity to at the very least, leave out this kindergarten level of marketing lousy product?  Aishwarya Rai is eye candy.  Nobody would have known her as an actress if she hadn't won beauty competitions.  Let's leave it at that, shall we?  We should already be sick of Shah Rukh Khan selling fairness cream like a gay prostitute.  "Ladkiyon wali cream, kabhi nahin!" Ugh.

6.  "We have robotic labs and futuristic sets".   If a film is called "Robot" in any language, we don't exactly expect palaces and lush verdant valleys, do we?  “Endhiran will be a stunning visual experience … I hope,” says the director. What is it with people using adjectives on their own work?  Didn't he see what he made?  Was it stunning?  Considering "stunning" is now a higher bar, set by Avatar?  Truth is, this rascal knows it is not that good, but he still could not help bullshitting about it, and then cutting himself short with embarrassment.  And the author was stupid enough to publish it like that!

7.  And now, the shit that is really missing from this article - What is the story about?  Endhiran is about a robot that gradually becomes a human being, I heard.  For some reason, that was Terminator, and Terminator two!  Or was it too?  God, I can think of "Blade Runner" which had a similar concept.  In fact, I can think of Robocop as well.  If I put some effort, I can think of so many films on this theme.  Wonder if Shankar's script leaked out to Hollywood!  Thank God their Robots didn't dance to Rahman's music.  Now, that must be Shankar's instinctive, "completely original" genius.

And today is Friday the 13th.  I swear to God, I ...... 

BSK.